A Masterclass in Mediocrity – The Wet Finale
In what can only be described as a monsoon-themed farewelltour, Steve Mac bravely won the toss and, and decided to bowl first. Becauseobviously, overcast skies, ankle-deep bog, and a rapidly dissolving pitch scream“let’s field for 45 overs.”
Thunder & Drizzle
Opening up was Owen Hogben, bringing pace and intent, and TomWorthington, bringing… something slower. Owen’s first over reached a blistering72mp, roughly the speed of a mobility scooter going downhill, but to greateffect. With the batters still adjusting to the concept of moving, Owen found alobbed chance that somehow landed in the safe-ish hands of the skipper himself,stationed at midwicket purely for moral support. One down, and obviously, thefloodgates were about to open. (They didn’t.)
Tom, meanwhile, was quietly reinventing the concept of time.His deliveries were so slow that birds nested mid-flight and Judgey had time todo the Wordle between balls. Still, that didn’t stop him nabbing a stumping,thanks to Judgey’s flash-of-lightning glove work and a batter so surprised bythe pace (or lack thereof) that he forgot what legs do. Tom smiled or grimaced,hard to say.
Then, in a move described by many (okay, just Owen) as“deeply offensive,” the skipper yanked Owen after three overs. Harsh. Yes, hewent at 7-an-over, but they were classy 7s, thick edges, agricultural hoicks,and one that might have been legally classified as assault.
Mayhem in the Middle Overs
Tom nabbed a second wicket when the batter, clearly lookingto escape the cold, gifted one to Oscar. Remarkably, Oscar remembered he hadhands. Cue celebrations and faint disbelief.
Then came Ethan, whose tight spell was rewarded when DanJones finally remembered how to catch. Probably still bitter from not beinghanded the ball. Little Hulton were 31-3 and probably wondering if they’dturned up to the wrong match.
Enter Lewis. Oh Lewis! 6 overs of “I’m just here so I don’tget fined.” He bowled with the intensity of someone mentally booking hisholiday. There was one enormous six that may now be classified as airspaceinterference. In his defence, he claimed Oscar dropped a catch off him.Probably true. Still dull.
Captain’s Cameo (feat. Chaos)
Then came the Steve Mac Experience™️. A spell best describedas “borderline criminal". Full tosses, wides, balls that bounced three times, allwrapped up in the smug satisfaction of a man who knew he’d fluked it. Threewickets fell to this nonsense. Somewhere, a coaching manual burst into flames.
Jordy picked up a wicket too, via a full toss disguised asspin. AJ stunned the group by taking a catch. That’s not a joke. He caughtsomething. At this point, most players assumed they were in a fever dream.
Steve’s final over? Dot. Dot. Four. Six. Four. Single.Poetry. Like the final scene in Titanic, but wetter and more painful.
Then came Skiddy Sam, whose signature delivery, theankle-snapping daisy cutter, inexplicably got a wicket. It was appalling. Butit worked. Go figure.
The Curtain Call
Fittingly, the final wicket of the season came courtesy ofthe club’s most elite pairing: Anuj “Dangwell” and Owen “Somehow StillStanding” Hogben. A top-edged bouncer (and we’re being very generous with theterm bouncer) went to fine leg where Owen, surrounded by dropped chances andtrauma, held on. Redemption. Sort of.
Dan Didn’t Bowl. Nobody Complained. We’d say it wastactical, but it’s more likely someone just lost the clipboard. Dan's been moreexpensive than wedding catering all year, so this was probably a kindness to usall.
The End, Finally
And then… it rained again. Heavy. Biblical. The cricket godshad seen enough, sending everyone fleeing back to Clifton for end-of-seasonawards, sandwiches, curry, chilli (So much food, thanks to all involved withthat xx ) and deep existential reflection.
Some cried. Some laughed. Oscar dropped the buffet.
Until next year...
From your Secret Second Team Reporter
(Still not selected for the 1s. Still a scandal.)
Over. Out. Emotionally drained. Spiritually damp.